From my earliest memories, and for as long as I can remember, I've known something was wrong with me. I didn't know why, but I always felt like something was missing in my life. I wasn't sure what that "something" was until I was about 5: my feminine side.
I'm not going to give you a blow-by-blow accounting of my growing up from that point, but I will just say a few things that I'm sure you've heard before from other transsexuals' stories:
I've always been more effeminate than masculine,
I've always been more polite than most boys,
I preferred to play with girls in school,
I didn't like gym class, I preferred art, history and languages.
All of the typical "why-didn't-I-see it-coming?"-type tell-tale signs. Of course, to use the old cliche, "hindsight is 20/20."
I hid my feminine identity as best I could. I went into the Cub Scouts and later the Boy Scouts. I actually enjoyed Scouting, and learned many valuable lessons through my experiences there. I ended up being the best cook of the scout troop. I actually won awards for my Dutch-oven and campfire creations. Other kids wanted to be in my patrol just because we always had the best food. We would eat steaks while others ate hot dogs. We would eat pancakes and bacon while others were eating cold cereal. I quickly became popular and rose as a leader in the troop. I ended up with a ton of merit badges and a high rank, and almost made Eagle Scout, the highest rank in Scouting. The only problem (to me, at least), is that I wasn't being genuine. I was right there along with the other guys making "fag" jokes. I was disgusted with myself.
While growing up, I had accumulated several pieces of women's clothing, including bras, panties, dresses, heels, etc. My grandmother walked in on me when I was dressed on more than one occasion. She always got very upset and threatened to tell dad and my Scout friends. She even asked me if I wanted to be a girl, but the only response I could muster was crying and shaking my head "no." Several times she made me stay dressed and then woke up my brother to humiliate me in front of him. She told my father after the third time she caught me dressed. My father was worried enough to take me to a psychiatrist up in Baltimore about my "problem." He never asked me about it directly, though.
The psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I didn't trust him and lied to him the whole time. We went to him weekly for about a year. During that time, I mostly avoided the transsexual topic and we mostly talked about my family life, the divorce, etc. At the end of the therapy, based upon my lies to him, he told my parents that I had a fetish for pantyhose. He said I used them to masturbate. At this time, I hadn't even masturbated once, let alone all year. I still hadn't even "come" for my first time.
One thing that the psychiatrist helped me understand was that I wasn't gay. At this time (I was only 11) I didn't really know what "gay," "cross dresser," "transsexual" or any of the related terms meant. He explained them to me, so in my head I knew I was a transsexual. That was a relief to me (at least then it was), because then I knew I wasn't gay, because being gay was "bad" as my grandmother and mother had told me repeatedly.
That was the first time that I knew what I was technically called. I had always known that I was a girl in a boy's body. But I didn't know what to do about it. So I didn't really do anything active except continue dressing in private. Once I got to high school, I started researching medical textbooks as to what a transsexual was. I realized that this was in fact my problem, and saw that there were "cures" for this "disease!" I was ecstatic with my newfound knowledge - the knowledge that with surgery, I could become the girl that I had always been inside.
I continued to dress throughout high school and college. The first two years of college I lived at home, and I dressed pretty much every night. The last years of college, I moved on campus and lived in a dorm with 4 other guys in my apartment. I almost was discovered dressing twice by my roommates that first year. Luckily, because I was a senior, my last year on campus I lived in a single room so I could dress as much as I liked.
During college, I used the Internet to learn more about my condition. While researching, I came across the homepages of many others out there with the same problem as myself. I quickly learned to use AOL and chat rooms and talked with my "sisters" about our little problems. I made a lot of friends then, some of whom I still talk to online today.
When I realized that this was a permanent part of me and would be with me the rest of my life, I began seeing a counselor on my own. I went to about 5 different counselors, all of whom had experience with Gender Identity Disorder (GID). I chose the one that I liked the best, and stayed with her for over two years. This time, I told her only the truth. It felt so good to get all of these pent-up feelings off of my chest.
I started taking hormones on August 18th, 2003. I have already (December, 2003) noticed plenty of changes. My moods are definitely on a roller-coaster ride to hell. Some days I am happy - very happy. Other days I just want to be alone. Some days I have so much energy that I can't sleep well. Others, I just want to sleep all day. Overall, I have become more sensitive. Things taste slightly different. Objects feel different when I touch them. Orgasms have definitely improved with the hormones.
Physical changes caused by the hormones are all for the better. My skin is softer. My breasts are developing. At first they were very sore, but now they are only slightly sore, and only just behind the nipples. The nipples are getting bigger, as are the areolas. My male pattern baldness is growing back in with very fine hairs. My body hair has decreased dramatically, making shaving a much easier chore. I no longer need to shave my chest, arms or back. I still shave my face every day, though the hair is getting thinner and is growing slower than they used to.
And that brings me to today, December 2003. I have decided it is time for me to come out to my parents and close friends, and to start living full-time as a woman. I hope to do this by January, as kind of a new year's resolution. I have written a letter to mom and dad as well as several of my closest friends, and will send them in the next few days.
I still have a long road ahead: electrolysis, facial feminization surgery (FFS), genital reassignment surgery (GRS)... It is a long, painful and expensive path to take, but it is a necessary one for my continued happiness and well-being. Luckily, I now know the road I need to take to get further towards my goal of being who I truly am inside.
June 2004 Update:
I came out to my friends and family by sending them letters on December 26th, 2003. Since then, I've found out who my true friends are. My father has been supportive, saying that he doesn't understand what I'm going through, but that he still loves and supports me. My mother and I haven't talked since my marriage in September, 2002. My brother and I seem to have a good relationship, still. A very good friend of mine where I used to work surprised me with his support. My best friend (and best man at my wedding) surprised me by not responding to The Letter™ nor my e-mails following The Letter™.
I started living full-time as a woman on March 17th. I signed divorce papers in April. I moved into my own place in April. I have a job working as a woman. My name is legally changed on my license and on my birth certificate. Now that I have a job, I am seeing a counselor again.
Things are looking up for me, despite the low place I was in just a few months ago.
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